- Do we really want this?
- Tell me more about your relationship with your parents
- How are we planning to raise children?
- Who will we be to each other?
Raising a child is full of surprises.
It seems that everyone understands how children appear. Now it is fashionable to analyze your childhood and even find the mistakes of your parents in your own upbringing. We are all looking at examples of other families through social networks. From all this, the image of family and parenting is formed. But a very small percentage of couples discuss the future before planning children. Most don't plan at all. It just happens.
I will say that my husband and I (presenter Timur Miroshnichenko - editor's note) also did not discuss anything. Generally. They just once decided that they would not mind creating a full-fledged family. And you know, I was lucky. It’s really lucky that my outlook on life, upbringing, values and goals are very similar to my husband. And if there are disagreements, we know how to negotiate. But this is not the case for everyone, and, unfortunately, this is precisely why many marriages break up in the first years after the birth of children.
Each family has its own rules, but these rules are based on the views of two people, and if they are radically different, this can lead to disaster. This is where quarrels, misunderstandings and distance between each other begin.
She thought that he would come no later than 7:00 pm and help around the house, and he thought that the children would not stop her from cooking fresh borscht every day. He thought that she would give birth to three sons and a daughter, but she cannot imagine herself as a mother of four. Etc.
Conflicts are inevitable, any couple will tell you. But it's better to protect yourself from unexpected turns. You must understand what lies ahead and what you both want and what you don’t want from this joint project called “family”.
Do we really want this?
The first question to ask yourself and your partner is whether you really want children. It’s you both. Not one of you, not your parents, not your biological clock and all that jazz. Both of you absolutely must be prepared for the fact that life will change 180 degrees. This does not mean that it will become worse, it will simply become different, and you will definitely need each other's support.
Tell me more about your relationship with your parents
Each of us, on a subconscious level, transfers to his family that model of behavior that he took from his parents. Even if we did not like her or we condemn her, it happens mechanically, because we have not seen anything else.
Therefore, it will be very useful to learn more about each other, about parents, about relationships within the family and how each of us relates to certain rules. For example, a guy whose mom has devoted her entire life to childcare, delicious food, and ironed shirts is more likely to expect the same from his wife. And no, this does not mean that you immediately need to get a divorce, but it is quite possible to say and voice: “I don’t want to make stuffed cabbage rolls every day, but pies on weekends without problems” is quite possible. Dialogue always leads to some kind of common denominator if it is started in calm tones. It is completely different when these are screams on emotions, because one is hungry, and the other is tired.
How are we planning to raise children?
Parents are the main authority for the child throughout life. Their position and views should be common, then the relationship will be warm and strong. If one believes that the best way of upbringing is a belt and a corner, and the second takes pity on the kids and helps to hide guilt in order to avoid punishment, then in such a family there are more reasons for scandals and mistrust between children and parents. Children from an early age see an example of how relatives lie to each other and contradict each other.
Read books together about different parenting principles, talk with your child psychologist about how you respond to different child behavior, and agree to make decisions about children together.
Who will we be to each other?
With the birth of children, many forget that their family began with two - a husband and a wife. There is no time for oneself, for a partner, romance leaves, everyday life takes its place, and then “you are no longer the one I fell in love with”. Discuss how often you need each other apart from the children. Once a week? Month? Think about how to organize it. Are there relatives who can sit with the children? Young parents very often swear because they do not have enough time to be together, but they do not dare to talk about it.
Of course, if you discuss all this, it is unlikely that it will 100% save you from quarrels or difficulties. But, firstly, you will learn more about each other, about yourself, about plans for the future, and secondly, show each other that the most important thing is to listen and hear. Any problem can be solved with a calm conversation while maintaining respect and love.
Impossible to be ready for motherhood / fatherhood. Each family is unique, you will never be the same as your parents, other couple, neighbors. Even your relationship with one child will not be like your relationship with another.
Building a family is not like driving a car. You cannot learn the theory, pass the practice and be ready to go to the track. Here's more about learning by doing. But to start this process unprepared - to create difficulties for yourself.
Therefore, talk to your halves! Do not be silent if you want to say. Listen if someone is sharing with you. So your union grows stronger with every conversation.
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