How to deal with a friend who is trying to look your best at your expense

Competition between girlfriends, how to understand where healthy competition ends, how to behave in such a situation.

How many words and epithets are said about female friendship, and with a minus sign. Probably no less than on the topic of "a woman behind the wheel." How do you like these maxims? "Women do not know how to be friends, they can only unite against someone" or "women can be friends until the desired prey appears on the horizon in the form of a handsome smart and successful" or "women are constantly envious of each other and are ready at any moment betray. " In contrast, male friendship acts as a symbol of reliability, readiness to help, “one for all and all for one”, “perish yourself, but help your comrade” and so on. That is, female friendship somewhere wanders alongside the concept of deceit, and male friendship is “into fire and into water” for a friend. And how many "pleasant" words have been said about women's groups, the mildest of which is "terrarium"?

Does it sound familiar? The cliches formed by society are so ingrained into our consciousness that even if we do not agree with this approach, subconsciously the words “female friendship” and “male friendship” evoke completely different feelings, although friendship is both. Apparently gender is the key. I have suspicions about the culprits of the triumph of the concept of "male friendship" over "female", but this is a topic for separate discussions and now is not about that.

But, since a certain stereotype of perception has developed and, although, like all stereotypes, it demonstrates a certain one-sidedness, you still should not sweep it aside, but you need to talk about why the word competition pops up next to the concept of female friendship. By the way, competition does not cause such a difference in signs and gender. Both male and female competition has the same goals and objectives, even sometimes acts according to the same scenario, explicit or hidden.

What is competition and how is healthy competition different from unhealthy?

Competition is a competition where the result is a prize in the form of a sports cup, a won tender, career growth, recognition, admiration, and so on, in a word, success. Is it bad? Of course not - that's good, we all need successes and achievements. How can we get what we want? There are only two ways: to prove that you are better or to prove that the other is worse. This is where the concept of healthy and unhealthy competition lies. If all your energy is directed towards proving that someone is worse, it can hardly be called healthy competition. Whether she is healthy or not, it is always a struggle and, as a consequence of the struggle, the resistance of the enemy. And, it is always a comparison of one with the other according to different criteria.

And how does this all relate to the concept of a girlfriend?

The fact is that friendship, by definition, does not imply internal competition, otherwise it is not friendship in the true meaning of the word. We expect support, understanding, willingness to help when we feel bad and sincere joy for us, when we feel good. This is a mutual enrichment of each other. And, here, there is no place for the main question of competition - who is better. There is only one rule I + YOU +.

In other words, competition and friendship are incompatible. But, if it were that simple, we would not talk about it. Still, if it seems to us that there is competition, what to do? The key word is "it seems to me", and let's start with it. Not always, what worried you about your friend's behavior is actually competition. It is helpful to calm down and start with yourself, what exactly upset you? For example, a friend called and happily said that she had been invited to a large company and offered a high salary, but at that moment you do not understand what is at work, the prospects are zero and the feeling that everything will collapse soon. How will you take it? As her desire to share the joy, or as a reminder that you are not doing well with your work right now, or even worse, as proof that she is more successful than you?

Of course, it should be said that a real friend, knowing about your situation, will try not to show violent joy, so as not to hurt once again, but will try to choose the most gentle form of presentation. And if emotions go off scale? Well, I didn’t think it, and it hurt you. Or the girlfriend at the party looks better than you, what should I do? Feel unhappy against her background or be proud of her? Therefore, in any situation, before deciding whether it is competition, it is useful to remember that there are 2 sides of the coin, how you perceive it and what meaning does your friend put into this or that act.

Therefore, in order to protect yourself from disappointments in friendships, it is useful to observe some safety measures.

Give the right to make mistakes

A bad joke that hurt you, an act that disappointed you, a behavior that upset you. Anything can be. We are real people and we learn from mistakes. Talk about it, voice what emotions it evokes in you. Take your time to blame and label.

Give enough space and respect personal boundaries

Relationships change over time. There are periods when you are together almost all the time, and there are pauses when you do not communicate much and this is natural.

Giving support and acceptance

Probably the most important thing in a friendship is to accept a friend as she is, with all the ups and downs, when she looks like a gentle sun or a thundercloud, or a shapeless puddle.

Give freedom

If your relationship has run its course, just let go without blaming or blaming. Who knows, maybe after a while, on a new round of life, you will be together again and you will have something to talk about.

But, if you began to notice that:

• your achievements are devalued;
• your actions, desires, dreams are constantly criticized;
• you learn about your secrets from others;
• you are together in a company and your girlfriend is making fun of you quite harshly, not paying attention to the fact that it is unpleasant for you or publicly discussing your life;
• during a conversation, the impression is that they are not listening to you, they are constantly interrupting and trying to tell about themselves;
• comparing you to someone or to themselves;
• you feel devastated, after communicating with a friend, as if the energy has left you, then, most likely, the very competition that we talked about has come.

And, if you tried the first 3 security measures and nothing helped, then think about what is valuable to you in this friendship? Maybe we should just give each other freedom.

I have a childhood friend. We went to school together and every day, after lessons at the corner of Vladimirskaya and Tolstoy streets, for 2 hours, maybe more, we discussed something lively and could not part. All the time together and we didn’t have enough of him to talk enough. Now we rarely communicate, but for sure, we know that we have each other and this is important. At any second, each of us is ready to help. This, by the way, is about female friendship.

We make and lose friends. But, there are only those to whom we can open our souls, speak out, cry and laugh, and know that they will understand us, will cry and laugh with us. Take care of your friends and be happy with them!